tldr; randy is an asshole. but i'm stronger. LFG.
----- i used to write a lot. i started writing poetry in middle school. dark, albeit healing poetry about my struggles with my then step mother and how awful i felt in my body. flash forward 4 years and i was an english major at the university of vermont. i wrote all the way through my poetry focused senior seminar. i had notebooks full of poems and journal entries. i processed everything this way. but then school ended and i stopped. just like that.
flash forward. 5 years later, age 27, i hurt my back in the gym (fuck you, trap bar). it took me a full year, PT 2 times a week, yoga, steroids, acupuncture, ice, heat, no movement, too much movement, countless hopeful massage therapy sessions, and seeing my chiropractor enough times to know he frequents burning man and was going through a break up to push me right into...psychotherapy.
enter carmen. my beautiful counseling savior. over monthly (sometimes weekly) sessions in our first year together, she helped me realize that this pain, this burning discomfort in my lower back and glute, and just overall yuck-my-yum feeling in my body was anxiety....um, what? you mean...i'm making it up? i'm literally creating the feeling that i hate so much? and wait..now you're telling me i have the power to make it go away? MIND. BLOWN. this is an utter over simplification and abbreviated version of years of hard work, steps forward and back and sideways, huge triumphs, and low lows. but this woman helped save my sanity and very honestly, probably my life. now, this sounds dramatic and possibly uninspired, but if you've experienced any kind of chronic pain or long term healing...if ya know, ya know.
flash forward. another 5 years post injury, age 32, meet randy. yep, that's right, i named my anxiety. he is with me every day. every minute. still just lurking and waiting for that glimpse of weakness. and he is a mother fucking shape shifter; showing up in all sorts of different ways. you know society's subconscious (sometimes conscious) obsession with wanting hollywood to fail? randy is society and i am taylor swift. but if im anything like miss swift, ya'll know who wins this battle.
so, WHY am i here on this page writing about this asshole? well, when i speak about randy, he loosens his grip. i'm an external processor. i'm a meaning maker. i need to physically and emotionally express energy in such a way that it leaves my body - sometimes that is in the gym, sometimes it is crying my eyes out, and to come full circle...sometimes it is writing. i will use this space to write about randy (and sometimes about my dog, my plants, and #thatgymlife). this is for me and for you. i will focus on learning. on rising above. on fighting. on finding peace. on being strong. and if someone is reading this or better yet, resonating with it, i hope you feel less alone and open to sharing. let's stop the stigma. let's celebrate our strength.