on noise canceling
tldr; change is a strange animal; it is both wonderful and terrifying. there will always be noise & self doubt. trust your knowing. lean into your people and the universe. ifkyk.
23 days ago i quit my job. my 12 year security blanket. the only definition of "young professional" work i've ever known. thoughts of leaving had been brewing, mostly as "maybe some day" daydreams for some time but it wasn't until a recent meeting with my boss that i knew. she asked me some rendition of, "where do you see yourself in the next couple years" and for the first time in 12 years, the first thought that popped into my head was, "not here". NOT. HERE. i could not un-think that. i couldn't unknow it. and i definitely couldn't un-feel the utter certainty of needing something else that was now coursing through my body.
so, i did what every type A, by the books, play it safe human would do...i started polling my friends and family. "can i really do this?". "SHOULD i do this?". "but, what if....a-z?". the thought of willingly letting go of great pay - amazing benefits - coworkers that i don't hesitate for one second to call friends and family - well, it all felt fucking terrifying. reckless. risky business....exhilarating. necessary. inevitable. the only choice.
despite all the wonderful things about my 9-5 day job, it was no longer enough and i deeply felt that.
my best friends and family stood behind my decision to take on my passion, TGCF full time 100% which was very honestly EVERYTHING. after i gave my notice, i began furiously planning. programming. brainstorming. scheduling. booking clients. promoting my services. diving into work with my business coach. continuing to design my home studio. all while working full time and teaching classes and training the clients i already had. i felt inspired. energized. ready. sure.
last night the excitement and the anticipation faded as fast as it came and i broke down. im generally quite good at fending off comparison. i wholeheartedly believe that there is room for all of us, as we are, where ever we want to be - it's what i preach to all of you every day. but the perfect storm of fear of the unknown, routine upheaval, and social media hit HARD and i had a very human moment. all the noise and the self doubt and the "i can't do this - i'm not good enough/smart enough/tough enough" talk filled my body and i froze. i cried. i so badly needed to cry. to slow down. to feel. to remove the armor i'd been wearing for the past 23 days as a way to prove my strength and confidence in this new life i was creating. i needed to be honest. i needed to say: i made this choice. i know it's the right choice. and i'm scared as fuck.
i reached out to my most trusted cheerleaders and they told me this:
- it would be weird if you didn't feel this way.
- your process is YOUR process. trust it.
- this IS scary - feel that.
- we got you and you got THIS.
this felt important to share. while there is freedom and luster uprooting your life and making big moves...the doubt. the fear. the loss of control and safety. those things are all very real and very universal and very human.
i write this not to solicit encouragement or "you got this!" comments but to remind myself and you that there will always be noise. there will always be self doubt. you can't always tune it out BUT you don't have to believe it. when you KNOW and you FEEL it in your blood and bones and heart and soul...you do it. scared or not. you lean into your people and the universe. you trust your knowing. and you do it.
it will all work out.