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on clark

tldr; i miss you.

2020, in many ways, has been a year of unprecedented growth as we have learned to make time for loss. we've lost heightened expectations because we have been pushed to find our simplest joys. we've lost weakness in our bodies and our minds to gain strength in its place. we give energy to clarity and have lost superficial friendships to make room for true, authentic connections. all of this, challenging or with ease, we can make sense of. we can reframe our little heart's out into a positive, and voila, we've gained and grown by way of loss.

but there's an impossible loss. we can use every ounce of meaning making ability in our bodies to see the growth or the gain or sense and we'll never find it. we can say, "they're in a better place". "they're no longer suffering". "they lived a good, long life". "they are at peace". and if we don't say it for ourselves, others will say it for us. truthfully, albeit often selfishly, we always just wanted them to stay. we want them back. we can't reframe. we haven't gained. we haven't grown. we, the living, have only lost. i've experienced the impossible loss. i'm so thankful to have held your hand yesterday for the last time as you told me you were ready to go. i wasn't ready and i wanted more time. but i remember when gram left us and you said to me, "i lost my person". if we had to lose you so you could gain your person back, i will learn to be ok with that. i'll miss you both forever. i used to hate my middle name. clark. it's a boy's name, i would say. i'll carry that name with the greatest honor along with 34 years of memories.

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